Assertive communication means you have the right to stand up for yourself while still respecting the rights of others. Aggressive behavior is when you believe you have rights but no one else does. Passive behavior is the opposite. You believe you have no rights but others do.
Assertive behavior is finding the balance between the extremes. Obtaining that balance isn’t always easy especially with aggressive or abusive co-workers. Here are a few tips to help when a colleague slips into aggressive communication.
1. Recognize that your co-worker may be suffering from stress that isn’t visible to you. Problems in personal relationships, money woes, challenges with children, health issues or even the morning’s miserable traffic are examples of stressful events that can trigger abusive behavior.
2. Do nothing. Let your colleague vent as long as you are not in physical danger. If you sense an altercation is about to escalate remove yourself from situation–immediately. If you feel the need to say something try, “Bill, this is getting out of hand. I’m leaving now. I’ll check back in a short time and we can continue once we cool down. Avoid saying, “calm down.” Only a 911 operator should use that phrase.
3. Remember that the first wave of anger is probably not the last. Use the pause to clarify what you heard and understood. Calmly state, “If I understood you correctly…” Your co-worker’s rage is usually associated Read More→
If you get a good chuckle from this video it’s likely because you’ve experienced something similar…hopefully, you weren’t the one speaking!
But, if you see yourself in this video don’t cringe. Just vow to change one or two things immediately. Do you fail to connect with your audience when they walk into your presentation? Next time, set up early and be ready to greet and meet your audience when they walk into the room. Getting to know them personally goes a long way to rule #1. connecting to your audience.
Want to learn more about how you can use speaking to market your business or if you want to become a better presenter to improve your career…join me for a FREE strategy session.
Communication is more than just your words. Your voice also adds to the meaning of your words. The message the sound of your voice sends is so powerful it may override your actual words.
Consider the words, “everything’s okay.” This phrase can mean a variety of things depending on how you say it:
“Everything’s okay.” Reassuring or soothing.
“Everything’s O-KAAY.” Sarcastic. As in, ” I told you already!”
“Uh…everything’s uh…okayyyyy.” Unsure or still checking.
Everything okay? a question.
What makes each statement be perceived differently are the three characteristics of the voice: pitch, volume and quality. Maximizing these will make you a more powerful and confident communicator.
You can learn to control all three voice characteristics. Here are a few tips:
Pitch: How high or low your voice is. Talk in a high pitched voice, as if you are speaking to an infant, and you’ll notice your voice is a bit hollow and thin. This happens because you are speaking from inside your mouth. Drop to a low voice and you can feel the sound coming from deeper in your throat. The best pitch for normal conversation is the sound that comes when you breathe fully from abdomen causing your diaphragm to expand. When you are nervous or fearful your voice may sound high or pinched because you’re breathing from the top of the lungs. Take a breath.
Volume: This is how loud your voice is. Again, the volume must come from your diaphragm and not your throat. Throat volume sounds like shouting not confidence. If people continuously ask you to speak up you’ll want to increase your volume, otherwise you may notice others ignoring you. You can practice increasing your volume by “pushing” someone across the room by the volume of your voice. Your practice partner can only move backward if they feel your voice moving them. Try it. You’ll begin to hear what a powerful voice sounds like even though it may sound too loud at first.
Quality: This is the richness, emotion and meaning your voice sends. Pitch and volume adds to the quality but so does your feelings and overall health. Notice the difference the quality of your voice has when you’re feeling sad as opposed to when you’re feeling on top of the world. This is why it is so important to smile when you are talking on the phone–people can tell!
Don’t forget to get instant access to The Power of Effective Communication your FREE 6-part Audio Series by entering your name and email in the box to your upper right.
Okay, it’s not the nicest title but I bet it got your attention. More so, I bet it brought to mind a very specific person that would benefit from reading this post. Am I right?
If the person that came to mind is you–congratulations! You’ve just taken the first step to making a change.
Why is it so difficult for some people to say only what’s needed and no more?
Well, some people …
…fail to stop talking because they can’t handle silence.
… think more words will sell whatever it is they are selling including themselves.
… think they are so interesting and feel compelled to tell it all and then some.
… have no self-awareness. Yes, this is a big one.
… have little confidence in their abilities so talking covers up the fear of being asked a question he can’t answer.
You get the point, I could go on and on.
So, when do you shut up and how do you stop yourself once you’re on a rant? Read More→
Unclear communication and workplace misunderstandings can lead to a loss of productivity, money, clients or worse. Clear communication is the benchmark of a good office and tops the lists of best business practices with a capital “C”.
The clear communication implementation process begins when a new hire joins your team. As a manager, it is your job to make the person Read More→
The process of communication gets initiated even before you utter the first syllable. If being misunderstood while communicating is something you have experienced, you need to read on and find a solution to the problem.
Account for Communication Filters. You must consider how your listener might be filtering your message. What is her perception on receiving your message? Is the message too emphatic and in a tone which is too demanding on her? Is there a language barrier? If your listener speaks a different dialect or a different language, interpreting your message may lag behind the pace of your speaking. These filters, if not removed, break the communication process. Communication filters are inherent to the process of communication and some major reasons why they creep in are:
- Cultural Differences. Are the two communicating parties from divergent cultural backgrounds? Different religious overtones? These differences could color the way your message is received and perceived. Be aware of such a difference.
- Level of Education. Varying levels of education between communicating parties need a higher level empathy on the part of the better educated. The other party might be feeling threatened by an imposing attitude or show of more knowledge.
- Different Social Levels – A huge barrier and an obstructive filter to efficient communication. Your feeling of being socially upward compared to the other party shows in your mannerism and is a strict No-go when you want to have a successful communication. Balanced mannerism and profile show prior to start of a conversation leads to higher chance of the conversation moving ahead and also puts the other person at ease. So, leave the heavy baggage behind and treat every one your equal.
The practice observing your listener for signs of confusion will stand you in good stead. Check to see if your message will pass through the receiver’s filters and still be understood as you intended. Be a responsible communicator to avoid misunderstandings.
From my new book,Misunderstood! The Fast Guide to Communicating at Work–What to Say, How to Say It and When to Shut Up — coming soon. Watch for it. In the meantime, get your FREE 6-part audio series, The Power of Effective Communication simply by entering your name and email in the box to your right.
Learning to respond to emotionally charged conversations or misunderstandings in the workplace takes practice, patience and perspective. The key is to balance your assertiveness with constraint so you can walk away feeling good about yourself , while not leaving the other party feeling devastated.
Ask yourself the following questions before blurting out an emotional reaction during a challenging conversation. You just might gain a new perspective.
What’s the long term impact if you say everything you want to say?
What consequence or result will occur moments after your conversation if you do respond emotionally?
Will the result last more that those few moments?
What about the impact in a few hours, days, months or years from now?
Will this conversation matter at all or will it change the course of a relationship for better or worse?
If you ask yourself these questions before blundering ahead, you’ll discover that some conversations won’t need to happen at all, but don’t make that an excuse for not having the ones that do need to happen.
Thinking about the long term impact allows you to put things into perspective. Perspective goes a long way towards guiding your tone and words, and perhaps changing your intention from hurtful to respectful.
A small shift in your behavior now can go a long way into the future…in a good way.
Improving communication at work has to do with your willingness to change. And–your willingness to give up blaming others for your situation or lack of success.
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. ~ WAYNE DYER
Blame moves nothing forward and the only way to improve communication is to move forward. This means you must take ownership of the fact that you must change. Ouch!
If someone is difficult to listen to, change the way you approach your communication with him or her rather than blaming them for being annoying, unclear, high-pitched, repetitive, or whatever you perceive to be the offending behavior. Focus on your intention and listen for a single point you both agree and move the conversation from that point.
If you are turned down for a promotion, rather than placing blame on your boss take a hard look at your work, attitude, communication skills and habits and decide what changes you could make to create a different outcome.
If you are still in a job you hate, rather than blame the economy decide what it is you really want and take the steps necessary to get it. You’ll be surprised how this will improve your overall communication.
It’s easy to blame. It takes the pressure and the spotlight off of you but it serves no one.
Just for today serve yourself–stop blaming and start changing.
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