Assertive communication means you have the right to stand up for yourself while still respecting the rights of others. Aggressive behavior is when you believe you have rights but no one else does. Passive behavior is the opposite. You believe you have no rights but others do.
Assertive behavior is finding the balance between the extremes. Obtaining that balance isn’t always easy especially with aggressive or abusive co-workers. Here are a few tips to help when a colleague slips into aggressive communication.
1. Recognize that your co-worker may be suffering from stress that isn’t visible to you. Problems in personal relationships, money woes, challenges with children, health issues or even the morning’s miserable traffic are examples of stressful events that can trigger abusive behavior.
2. Do nothing. Let your colleague vent as long as you are not in physical danger. If you sense an altercation is about to escalate remove yourself from situation–immediately. If you feel the need to say something try, “Bill, this is getting out of hand. I’m leaving now. I’ll check back in a short time and we can continue once we cool down. Avoid saying, “calm down.” Only a 911 operator should use that phrase.
3. Remember that the first wave of anger is probably not the last. Use the pause to clarify what you heard and understood. Calmly state, “If I understood you correctly…” Your co-worker’s rage is usually associated Read More→
Check out all the fun and visit the site for the host of the day. Click the link next to each day as I’ll be sharing writer’s tips and the inside scoop on how I work and what prompted me to write the book.
Odds are you aren’t having enough fun…especially if you just snorted at that statement!
Sis had fun taking a photo of my Amaryllis!
My sis was in town this past week and though we aren’t the best planners in the world we do manage to set the intention to do something fun, silly or out-of-the-ordinary on each visit.
Over the last few years we’ve managed to go zip lining for the first time (we started out chicken-hearted and now can’t wait to go again), alligator watching by air boat at night (ugh-buggy but fascinating…no rush to do it again), go cart racing (always good fun), feeding alligators at Gatorland (yes, I live in Florida), and the usual assortment of psychic readings, mini spa days, and exploring local fairs and such.
Now mind you we aren’t a couple of spring chickens anymore (50+ and 50++) making some of these activities even funnier! We’ve learned that letting go, laughing, hanging out with no agenda, no deadline and no goal except to have fun spurs the imagination, allows creativity and lofty dreams to flow and generates new ideas, new inventions and new possibilities.
In fact, sis just called with a new product invention!
Playtime is a must. If you’re stuck and not making the changes you know you need to make you’re probably doing what I do…get lost my head…whereby nothing happens. I’m stubborn. I like being in my head. It’s comfy in there…but it doesn’t serve me or others all the time.
If I want to make a difference, stay on top of my game, serve my clients, grow myself and my business I have to plan some play. So plan some play!
If I’m with sis…well, it’s hard not to have fun. We’re just wired to do crazy things…like sailing in hurricanes. If you don’t have a sis call your pal and plan something silly.
Try it and let us know what you did. Leave a message so we can all play along!
Lately, I’ve been stepping up my local networking sometimes attending business connections groups two or three times a day.
Which means I’ve heard many speakers give their talks over the last few weeks.
Some speakers do an excellent job, some okay and some…well, I applaud their courage.
This week, unfortunately, I heard one of those…not so fabulous talks. The speaker was confident, knew his stuff and was clearly enthusiastic about his services.
The problem? I didn’t learn anything of value…anything worth taking a note about.
And, I wasn’t the only that felt that way.
In fact, I’m often quite generous and forgiving because I know how difficult it can be to construct a talk that has value, honors your audience and naturally leads into an offer I might (or might not) be interested in.
Unsolicited comments from my table mates voiced their disappointment in this speakers presentation. One leaned in and whispered, “He needs help.” The person on my left said, ” I stopped listening five minutes ag0.”
What a shame! A real lost opportunity for the business owner who gave the talk.
Are you giving real value when you speak?
Here’s a few questions to ask yourself before you get before a group.
1.)Is the information I’m giving just general knowledge for this particular group?
2.) Will I give them a new perspective on something they might already know?
3.) Will my audience relate to my information and be able to implement it quickly?
4.) Did I create a system or a formula that really drills down into a problem so my audience walks away feeling that got real value?
5.) Am I generous in providing real answers to issues my audience experiences?
6.) Will I be making an offer that relates to my topic and serves the group I’m speaking to?
7.) Does my intro honor the audience for taking the time to listen to you?
These are not all the questions you need to ask but they are a jumping off place.
If the above mentioned speaker had asked himself even questions 1 through 3 he might have changed his talk enough so my table mates and I commented on his brilliance rather than his boorishness!
Need more help constructing your talk?
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No kidding! If you are a coach, consultant, author, serviced-based solo-preneur, then this Free Video Training is for you. Just click the link above the photo!
Communication is more than just your words. Your voice also adds to the meaning of your words. The message the sound of your voice sends is so powerful it may override your actual words.
Consider the words, “everything’s okay.” This phrase can mean a variety of things depending on how you say it:
“Everything’s okay.” Reassuring or soothing.
“Everything’s O-KAAY.” Sarcastic. As in, ” I told you already!”
“Uh…everything’s uh…okayyyyy.” Unsure or still checking.
Everything okay? a question.
What makes each statement be perceived differently are the three characteristics of the voice: pitch, volume and quality. Maximizing these will make you a more powerful and confident communicator.
You can learn to control all three voice characteristics. Here are a few tips:
Pitch: How high or low your voice is. Talk in a high pitched voice, as if you are speaking to an infant, and you’ll notice your voice is a bit hollow and thin. This happens because you are speaking from inside your mouth. Drop to a low voice and you can feel the sound coming from deeper in your throat. The best pitch for normal conversation is the sound that comes when you breathe fully from abdomen causing your diaphragm to expand. When you are nervous or fearful your voice may sound high or pinched because you’re breathing from the top of the lungs. Take a breath.
Volume: This is how loud your voice is. Again, the volume must come from your diaphragm and not your throat. Throat volume sounds like shouting not confidence. If people continuously ask you to speak up you’ll want to increase your volume, otherwise you may notice others ignoring you. You can practice increasing your volume by “pushing” someone across the room by the volume of your voice. Your practice partner can only move backward if they feel your voice moving them. Try it. You’ll begin to hear what a powerful voice sounds like even though it may sound too loud at first.
Quality: This is the richness, emotion and meaning your voice sends. Pitch and volume adds to the quality but so does your feelings and overall health. Notice the difference the quality of your voice has when you’re feeling sad as opposed to when you’re feeling on top of the world. This is why it is so important to smile when you are talking on the phone–people can tell!
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The most powerful communication tool you can learn is the ability to give a talk–a speech, a presentation, a pitch. Call it what you will but without this skill you will never feel that commanding confidence needed to sell your product, service, idea, or yourself in a way that gets others to believe in you and consequently buy in.
Speaking well is a learned skill. That’s the good news. The bad news is Read More→
One comment I often hear when it comes to misunderstandings in the workplace is, “If you can just fix my (boss, coworker or customer) then I wouldn’t have any problem communicating.”
Maybe you’re even agreeing with that statement. If you are you have some work to do…inner work.
There are 4 key beliefs you might hold that lead to conflict:
1. I must explain my side first. If you believe this you fail at a fundamental principle of communication. Dr. Stephen Covey put it best, “Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood.”
2. I am a good listener. Hate to break it to you but the odds are not in your favor. Most of us fail miserably as listeners while believing the opposite. Listening is not waiting to speak. It’s actually engaging to understand what is being communicated. This, unfortunately, takes some effort.
3. I’m not afraid.Really? Think again. Fear is the underlying issue of all conflict. Fear you won’t get heard, fear of losing face, fear that you might not get your way or fear that the truth about you will be revealed. It’s difficult to get to the truth when you’re operating from a place of fear.
4. I lose if they win.Communication is not a competitive, contact sport. Switch to cooperation mode if you want to manage workplace misunderstandings.
Good communication requires healthy self-esteem, self-awareness and an attitude of cooperation not competition. Approach conflicting communication styles with this intention and you’ll decrease conflict and misunderstandings.
To learn more about managing conflict in your workplace, pick up a copy of this 60 minute teleseminar:
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