Your non-verbal communication is more powerful than your words–when the two are not aligned. If you want your words to be more influential, to carry more weight and authority then you must make certain your non-verbal message is congruent with your verbal message.

Here is one tip for using non-verbal communication more effectively:

In low-risk conversations your non-verbal message i.e., your body language and the sound of your voice, naturally support your words. You sparkle, smile and stand straighter when you’re elated and slump and frown when you are not. But, there are times when you want to appear confident when you are not feeling confident. If you ignore your body and voice relying only on your words your body will betray you every time. To match the two, breath from your belly, straighten your back and relax your jaw, this prevents your voice from sounding pinched and your body from appearing timid. This posture will send a positive message to your mind and you’ll begin to feel as confident as your words.

Try it and let me know.

Copyright 2010 Allie Casey
Excerpt from my forthcoming book, Misunderstood! The Fast Guide to Communicating at Work–What to Say, How to Say it and When to Shut-up

Distractions are a major cause of misunderstandings during a conversation. Help your listener by removing as many obstacles blocking the path to your message. You won’t be able to control internal filters such as mental or emotional instability, but you can be aware of physical distractions such as illness, hunger or fatigue if you’re observant, present and aware. Obvious anxiety or fear can be lessened by letting your listener know that you are aware of those emotions.

Help remove language barriers by speaking clearly, enunciating and avoiding excess words. Move to a different location if noise or visual distractions are present.

Copyright 2010 Allie Casey
Excerpt from Misunderstood! The Fast Guide to Communicating at Work–What to Say, How to Say it and When to Shut-up!

Sometimes giving positive feedback is as challenging as giving negative feedback. The difficulty is sounding positive and specific not just enthusiastic and generic.  Everyone is in the position to offer “gift-giving phrases”–boss to employee, co-worker to co-worker, salesperson to customer, parent to child, spouses, partners and so on.

Here are a few gift-giving phrases: (be specific with the details)

• You really made a difference by ___( sharing your expertise, pitching in to help…)

• I’m impressed with your____( ability to handle angry customers, insight into this project…)

• You got my attention with___( your interpretation of the research…)

• You can be proud of yourself for___(handling that misunderstanding with diplomacy….)

• One of the things I enjoy most about you is___(your ability to make others feel good…)

Share your own gift-giving phrases below.

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Sometimes it helps to have a quick formula that’s easy to remember, easy to post where you can see it and easy to implement. In touchy communication situations when emotions might thwart clear thinking try these 3 steps:

1. Observation – Observe the pace, voice, eye-contact and posture of your listener. Pay attention to emotions, intentions, and any mental or physical distractions. Match and step it down if emotions are high.

2. Adaptation – Shift your style to communicate in the way your listener likes to communicate. A small adjustment now saves time, money and effort later.

3. Confirmation – Verify that the translation and comprehension of your message matches your intention. (and be honest about your intention-is it aligned to your highest self?)

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The next time you communicate with someone, especially when you are trying to resolve a conflict, practice giving them 100% of your attention. It means using direct eye contact. And, it means listening to what they’re saying and to what they’re not saying. Pay attention to body language and listen to the tone, pitch and volume of their voice to catch their true meaning.

Richard Moss says, “The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”

Giving 100% attention also means doing the difficult internal work of keeping your mind totally focused on them–not allowing yourself to focus on what you are going to say when they stop talking or wondering what you are going to have for lunch.

When you communicate, make the other person feel that, while they’re with you, they are what matters most.

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